Highly Sensitive Parent: 5 Tips for Self-Care
March 15, 2021 | Written by Dr. Amy Nasamran
Earlier this month, I wrote about highly sensitive children. If you read it, you might’ve picked up on some similarities between your child and yourself. You might now be wondering, am I a highly sensitive parent?
A highly sensitive person, or HSP for short, has unique strengths and needs. I shared about some strategies to meet those needs in children. But it’s also important to consider whether your own needs are being met as a parent — especially if you’re a HSP!
HSPs who are parents have so many qualities that many of us look up to when it comes to parenting. And it’s when their needs are met that they’re in the best position to offer these strengths to themselves, their children, and their families.
But First, What is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?
If you’re like me and the other 20-30% of the population who identify as a highly sensitive person, you have a nervous system that notices and processes information from the environment more thoroughly. Researchers have described HSPs as having “environmental sensitivity” or “sensory processing sensitivity.” This is an inborn personality or temperament trait, not a mental health disorder or diagnosis (and is not to be confused with sensory processing disorder).
Basically, HSPs tend to notice more sensory cues their environment and have stronger internal responses to it — meaning, we notice more subtle things that non-HSPs might not notice, we process and think about it more deeply, and we may have stronger physical or emotional reactions to it. HSPs tend to be affected more not only by sounds and scents, but also social information like the emotions of others, and also things like caffeine and pain.
Highly Sensitive Parent
So how does being a highly sensitive person translate to parenting? As a highly sensitive parent, you're probably very attuned to your child's needs. You can read their subtle expressions before anyone else, know whether they need attention or a break in the moment, and can sense when they're sick even before the symptoms become obvious to others. Many highly sensitive parents report knowing what their child needs even before their child asks for it.
Being intuitive and sensitive to subtle cues all the time can also become pretty overwhelming. You may be more easily startled or overstimulated by your child crying, or you might have overwhelming feelings of guilt when you want time to yourself away from your family. Many highly sensitive parents also describe feeling overwhelmed with making decisions — even when it comes to the most seemingly simple decisions like what stroller or cereal to buy for their kids. Highly sensitive parents often put a lot of pressure on themselves to evaluate each decision thoroughly and make the “best” choice.
None of these things make you an overly-involved or bad parent. But you may be a highly sensitive parent!
Although parenting is hard for everyone, research on over a thousand people has shown that highly sensitive parents tend to find parenting even more challenging than other parents. So self-care is extra critical for the highly sensitive parent. But how do you do self-care when it’s even harder for you to truly step away from everything that’s going on, tune out the cues, and focus solely on one thing (yourself)?
Highly Sensitive Parent Self-Care
It goes without saying that parents prioritize their children’s needs first, so finding time for self-care is tough! A highly sensitive parent may be spending more time tuning into cues from their child and thinking through their child’s needs. This makes it incredibly hard for a highly sensitive parent to step away, focus on their own needs, and engage in self-care.
It Starts with Mindset
The first step to being able to truly commit to self-care is to understand your mindset. Do you view self-care as selfish or not a good use of your already limited time? You’re not alone.
Many parents, especially highly sensitive parents, feel guilty for spending the limited hours in a day resting or focusing on themselves. Some parents equate rest with not being productive enough when there’s an endless list of things to do and take care of.
When it comes to hiring someone to care for your child though — for ease, let’s say a doctor — most parents would undoubtedly choose a doctor who’s well-rested with a clear mind over the one who’s running on empty at the end of a long shift.
Parent Self-Care Has Benefits for Your Child, Too
Parents, I know everyone is constantly telling you to put your oxygen mask on first. As a psychologist and therapist, I’m also guilty of saying this to parents all too often. But I think it’s such a necessary yet easily overlooked part of parenting that can actually benefit both you and your child.
I saw a quote recently that said something like, “Mental health starts with parent mental health.” This made me reflect on how much more children can benefit from a parent who feels rested and healthy. If you have a highly sensitive child, this is even more important knowing that they’re attuned to how you’re doing and feeling. Children pick up on the emotions of their parents more than we think. They also learn how to cope and handle stress from watching their parents.
So while it’s tempting to push through, your self-care is important to both you and your child. Are you ready to make this mindset shift and consider that perhaps self-care is a way for you to reset and return to being your best for yourself and your children?
5 Self-Care Tips for the Highly Sensitive Parent
If you’re open to the idea of prioritizing self-care as an essential part of both your and your child’s well-being (think: rested doctor), there are a few small steps you can start with to begin incorporating self-care into your everyday routine. Self-care can look different for different people and doesn’t mean we have to go full throttle into an all-day spa day (but by all means, if you’re ready for that, book that rested sitter and go for it!).
Here are 5 small steps to start taking towards your own self-care needs as a highly sensitive parent:
Schedule down time — Down time is of utmost importance when it comes to HSPs. Highly sensitive parents are especially susceptible to overstimulation. When this happens, HSPs are at-risk for feeling drained, irritable, and can lose their intuitive strengths that help them be attuned to their child or family’s needs. Scheduling quiet down time as a highly sensitive parent is not only important, but necessary. It’s a chance for you to reset and recharge yourself and your intuitive brain, so you can utilize your strengths and continue showing up for yourself and your family.
Pro tips for scheduling down time:
Be intentional with scheduling down time (i.e., when can you commit to it?), and make it a non-negotiable.
Figure out how much quiet time makes sense for you, whether that’s smaller breaks throughout the day or a dedicated hour at the end of the day. There’s no right way to do it, but it is important to have it.
Your mind might wander and think about your to do list — that’s okay! This is normal, especially when you’re just starting to prioritize this time. HSPs aren’t used to a quiet mind. You can read, watch a guilty pleasure show, use grounding techniques, or practice some mindfulness and deep breathing. But try to avoid tackling your list at this time.
Create and stick to routine — A consistent routine that’s predictable means fewer decisions to make and changes to have to adapt to, reducing the risk of overstimulation and overwhelm. Create a routine and stick to it to make going about the day simpler. This also helps children, who tend to thrive in structure and routine.
Carve out specific time to dedicate to playing with your children — Plan a special time to spend each day with your child. Doing so can help you focus on other tasks throughout the day (including taking down time with less guilt!), knowing that time with your child has a special time and place. It can also help you stay 100% focused and present during this time with your child, instead of attending to them all day while feeling distracted and overwhelmed.
(We know from research that getting 100% of a parent’s attention in a shorter amount of time is more meaningful and impactful for children than getting divided attention throughout the day.)
Continue celebrating small everyday joys and successes — Research has shown that highly sensitive parents are also more attune to and likely to remember “the little things in life,” the small joys and parts of parenting that may seem mundane to non-HSPs. This is definitely a strength of being more sensitive to subtleties. Continue to harness your strength of noticing and appreciating everyday pleasantries and small wins. This will foster lots of good vibes and reasons to celebrate the small things within your family.
Accept and ask for help — Because highly sensitive parents report parenting to be more challenging than other parents, it’s even more important to ask for help instead of pushing through it like other parents would. It’s okay to accept help and ask for help. Outsource when possible, and delegate tasks to your partner, family, or children.
Highly sensitive parents have unique intuitive strengths. Self-care is essential to reducing overwhelm and maximizing these strengths, helping you be the best parent for your child.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed with parenting or the unique challenges that come with being a HSP, seeking professional support can help shed light on individualized ways to help. At Atlas Psychology, I provide parent consultation and support tailored to HSP parents. Working with someone who specializes in understanding the needs of HSPs will be important to helping you fully understand yourself and the kind of support that can help you balance your competing demands.
MEET THE AUTHOR | AMY NASAMRAN, PH.D.
I’m Dr. Amy, a licensed psychologist, author, and neurodiversity advocate. I specialize in working with people at two of my favorite stages in life: early childhood and early adulthood. Atlas Psychology was founded to provide community-driven, evidence-based mental health therapy, awareness, and education for children, their parents, and young adults.
