Special Time: The 5-Minute Method to Improving Your Child’s Behavior
April 26, 2021 | Written by Dr. Amy Nasamran
These days, parents are spending a lot of time at home with their kids. With the chaos and changes this year has brought upon us, many parents also seeing a surge in their children’s challenging behaviors. You’ve probably already tried many things to help: spending even more time with them, buying new toys, searching for new activities, or planning fun projects to keep them happy and busy.
What if I told you there’s a much simpler way to help your child feel connected, regulated, and cooperative? A method that requires much less time than digging through Pinterest and prepping materials for a project. A method where preparation isn’t even necessary because you already have everything you need readily available?
This magical method is called special time.
What is Special Time?
Special time is time that you set aside each day to spend playing one-on-one with your child. Your child picks and leads the activity, while you follow along and give your undivided attention. Research has shown that even just 5 to 10 minutes of special time a day works to improve child behavior. If you find your child struggling with big emotions or behaviors lately, special time is the number one thing you can do as a parent to help your child feel better and behave better.
You might be thinking, but I’m already spending a LOT of time with my child. They get way more than just 5 minutes of time with me a day. You’re right — and this is true for many parents. The time you’re already spending with your child feeding, bathing, taking them to the park, helping them with homework, and doing other activities is important too. But special time is different, and it has unique benefits.
What Makes Special Time Different?
Special time is different from other time spent with your child in many ways. It’s a time when your child gets to be fully in the driver’s seat, choosing what to play while having a parent follow their lead. Children have very little to no demands placed on them during special time. It’s also time when they get 100% of your full, undivided attention. While it’s just not possible to give 100% of your full attention to your child all day or every time they ask, the amount of undivided positive attention kids get during special time is unique and important.
Special time is like giving your child a daily dose of positive parent attention and agency in a way that they need. Think of it like a planned date versus passive time spent hanging out. Both are important but with unique benefits.
How Does Special Time Improve Child Behavior?
Special time works to improve a child’s behavior in two ways: it strengthens your child’s attachment and relationship with you, and it provides them with a developmentally-appropriate sense of control.
Special Time Helps Kids Feel Connected to You
During special time, your child gets a specialized kind of attention — 100%, undivided, positive parent attention. Giving this kind of attention is just not possible with life’s other demands throughout the day. Getting undivided parent attention during special time helps fulfill children's need for connection and strengthens their attachment and relationship with you.
This positive, secure bond between a parent and child is a foundation for all other things to build off of — including cooperation and compliance. When children get consistent, undivided parent attention — even for a few minutes each day — their sense of connection is fulfilled. This feeling of security and warmth in the relationship reduces the need for kids to act out or misbehave to get your attention or seek connection.
Special Time Provides Children with a Positive Sense of Control
There are actually very few times in a day when children get to be totally in charge and call the shots. By nature, kids are more often being asked or told to do things throughout the day. Special time may be the only time in a day that your child gets this certain level of decision-making power. They get to lead and direct the play, choosing what to play and how to play it, while having a parent following along. Being in the driver’s seat while getting undivided parent attention helps children feel good about themselves. It boosts their confidence, self-esteem, and sense of control. And when children feel good, they’re more likely “be good.”
Special Time Has Benefits for Parents, Too
So many parents have told me that they don’t initially look forward to special time but that ultimately, it makes their lives a whole lot easier. For instance, if you’ve ever felt like playing with kids is awkward, boring, or that you just don’t know what or how to play, special time removes all of that for you! Play is your child’s forte. They’ll show you exactly what to say and do. You can follow your child’s lead, so you won’t have to think too hard. Let your child come up with the ideas. Your only job during special time is to be present and simply follow along.
Parents have also shared with me that special time has helped them become more attuned to their child, their creativity, and their strengths, which tend to come out when kids get to direct the play. Parents also learn how to anticipate difficult moments as well, which can help you become one step ahead and plan for them accordingly.
Perhaps the most important benefit of special time is that it’s time-limited. 5 to 10 minutes has been shown to be just long enough for your child to feel the benefits, but short enough that you can totally get through it. You can do almost anything for 5 or 10 minutes! Committing to a short time period and knowing that you don’t have to do it for very long will make playtime more doable.
This also gives you the freedom to step away and do the other things you need to do throughout the day. Having this dedicated time planned and knowing that your child will get the love and attention they need each day can help you be able to tackle your other responsibilities with less guilt.
How To Set Up Special Time
Give it a name (“special time” or “your child’s name and mom/dad time”).
Let your child know when it’s special time.
Allow your child to pick the activity — You can pre-select a few toys if needed.
Be 100% present during special time — Put away all distractions, like phones, work, and other electronics. Put the spotlight on your child.
Follow your child’s lead — Do what they do, and say what they say. Avoid placing any demands on your child during these few minutes, such as asking questions or giving instructions.
Have fun (if only for just 5 minutes)!
End special time by telling your child what they did well.
Step away and allow your child to continue playing if possible.
Special time is the most powerful thing you can do as a parent to strengthen your relationship and foundation with your child. This foundation helps kids feel loved and connected in the way that they need, ultimately improving their behavior. Even if you don’t enjoy kid toys or activities, knowing that it’s a short time period with a tenfold of benefits for your child and family can make it more doable. Committing to just 5 to 10 minutes of special time with your child each day will help your child feel secure, good about themselves, and overall calmer and more cooperative.
Need more individualized guidance and support? Child behavior consultation and parent coaching is available at Atlas Psychology. Reach out to learn more!
MEET THE AUTHOR | AMY NASAMRAN, PH.D.
I’m Dr. Amy, a licensed psychologist, author, and neurodiversity advocate. I specialize in working with people at two of my favorite stages in life: early childhood and early adulthood. Atlas Psychology was founded to provide community-driven, evidence-based mental health therapy, awareness, and education for children, their parents, and young adults.
